For many seniors, retirement dreams involve spending time with a spouse of many years, perhaps enjoying some grandkids, traveling, or just sitting on the porch hand-in-hand.
What happens, though, if the rocking chair next to you is empty because your spouse hasdifferentplans? This may seem like something couples should discuss early, but many don’t. In fact, just43% of adultscan answer when their spouse hopes to retire.
Since saving for retirement is often a lifetime project, a lack of shared dreams can be a big problem for decades — especially if one spouse has a different focus than the other.
For example, let’s pretend that Chris and Katie are married. Chris is 40 and wants to retire at 55, so he’d prefer to save aggressively. Katie wants to spend now and enjoy life while the kids are at home. So, how can the couple reconcile their mismatched goals and find a solution?
Approach the situation with understanding and a shared focus
The first thing Chris and Katie should do is ensure they approach the discussion with the right mentality.
“Instead of trying to solve the conflict by simply crunching numbers, couples can first try to understand the deeper hopes, values, and dreams beneath each person’s position,” Mary McLaughlin, a licensed clinical social worker and marriage counselor, told Moneywise.
McLaughlin gave the example of someone focusing on early retirement because their parents died young, or someone who grew up poor, so savings represents security. Having this context is critical for the couple to decide how to proceed.
“When both partners feel understood, they can put down their swords, think clearly, and address the issue collaboratively. The ultimate goal is to work as a team so that neither partner feels they are giving up something that truly matters to them,” said McLaughlin.
Kiki Jacobson, a licensed mental health therapist at YourMoneyCounselor.com, also stressed the importance of a shared vision, telling Moneywise, “Encouraging a ‘we are on the same team’ mindset can help couples externalize the problem and work together on finding a solution rather than being stuck in the pattern of defending their individual position.”
Find a compromise that allows both to win
The good news is that Chris and Katie have some clear paths towards compromise.
“In this case, it isn’t a true deadlock,” said Dr. Ken Newberger, a Ph.D. and conflict resolution specialist at Marriage Counseling Alternative. “The options are not entirely mutually exclusive. A compromise could be worked out.”
Newberger gave the example of Chris wanting to put away $2,000, but Katie feeling frustrated with how little that leaves to spend. “So they meet in the middle. Each month, $1,000 goes toward retirement and the other $1,000 goes into a “life now” fund,” he suggested.
Mary Ware, a CFP, senior wealth advisor and managing partner at Carnegie Private Wealth, had similar advice. “The good news is you don’t have to choose one way over the other. You can create a financial plan that lets you both live how you like.”
In this case, the couple can find their compromise by doing the math. “If retiring at 55 is truly important to one of you, run the numbers and understand the sacrifices the goal requires. Then decide, as a team, if those tradeoffs are doable and worth it or if a slightly later retirement means a lifestyle that feels more balanced today,” Ware said.
A budget could be the answer
So, how can the couple find their compromise? It’s simple. They can make a budget.
“Create a ‘both budget’ that allocates money to each partner’s future retirement goals and present enjoyment,” suggested Jacobson. “Each person can see their priorities reflected in the financial plan, and compromise feels less like a sacrifice and more like a shared investment.”
Domenick D’Andrea, founder of DanDarah Wealth Management, agrees. “One way to address this is to sit down with the couple and have each of them create a budget and what their dream retirement is,” he told Moneywise. Over his 30+ years as a financial advisor, he’s helped many couples do this exercise and then see what it would look like if they followed the wife’s budget, the husband’s budget, or a combination of both.
As D’Andrea explained, “most people need to see the numbers to understand that what theythinkis the best way to budget might not be the best plan for them.” For example, Katie may decide she’s willing to save a little more to achieve their goals, or Chris may find he can still hit his targets while enjoying a vacation a year and even dining out sometimes.
Ware suggested a bucket strategy for their budget, with certain money earmarked for different things like retirement, emergency savings, and a vacation fund. This budget should include guilt-free spending and saving for the future. This allows thembothto win.
“Many couples actually want the same things,” Ware said. “They want financial security. They want to retire comfortably. They also want to enjoy their lives along the way. The key is communication, transparency and compromise.”